Those Few Moments
by SouJiro-LoVeR
Summary: Hotohori wants to end everything. Nuriko wants to run away, and Tasuki… well Tasuki looks on… thoughtfully. A HotohorixNurikoxTasuki fic... 3 songs… 3 views… 3 stories… 3 hearts... Confessing love couldn’t be any harder.
1. It Ends Tonight

**Author's Note:**

Ok, for the disclaimers... I don't own Fushigi Yuugi or the song It Ends Tonight by the All American Rejects...

This chapter is in Hotohori's POV.

Characters' thoughts are in between the _PAUSE_ and _PLAY_ words..

Sorry for the slight or drastic OOC-ness... i wrote this in the dead of night so forgive me if it seems oh so emo or angsty... some of the words in this fic has been injected with major sap...

A Hotohori x Nuriko x Tasuki Fic ( Songfic)

EMOtions Productions

Fushigi Yuugi fanfiction

Brought to you by: this website

more chappies coming up... To be uploaded very soon... please review at the end... constructive criticism is very much welcome...

Now let's begin.

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Chapter 1: It Ends Tonight**

// _Your subtleties_

_They strangle me_

_I can't explain myself at all._ //

"Nuriko."

"Hotohori-sama?"

_PAUSE_

Nuriko, how long has it been since we first met? It's been months and everyday, I can't stop thinking about you. You are beautiful, every little thing in your body, in your personality, is beautiful.

Perhaps no one has told you yet of how much I really adore you. I see to it that I always keep a part of you with me even if it is a mere memory of you smiling. Your scent of lavender drifts to me as we pass each other in palace corridors. Your lips and nails are chiseled perfectly and everything about you pertained to a woman of elegance, finesse, and grace.

Yet inside you are also warm. I cannot deny the fact that you have accepted me for me. You have been by my side through thick and thin; still your loyalty and devotion is unfailing. You display this sort of happiness that just draws me to you and makes my heart beat with gladness as well.

I don't know how it came to be but ever since I met you, as I scrutinized your every detail, the want to hold you near me grew. I wanted to embrace you, to be with you, because… I love you.

_PLAY_

// _And all the wants_

_And all the needs_

_All I don't want to need at all._ //

"Do you know why I called you here tonight?"

"No, your majesty."

_PAUSE_

I turn around and the first thing I notice are your eyes. They're filled with concern and from what I sense, your expression gives away your curiosity tinted with worry.

You must be thinking that something is wrong. After all, I don't call you out often. I rarely do. But tonight, we're by the willow trees, you favorite spot, and I have never called you out here before. I just decided that it was time to let you know.

Oh Nuriko, tonight it's just you and me with no one else to interfere. For these few moments we are free - free to talk, free to love, free to dance with each other, free to embrace each other, and free to kiss each other. I couldn't ask for anything more than to be with you, just to stand on this very spot, without courtiers and advisers bombarding me with requests and papers. I smile an invisible smile as I take several steps towards you.

Of all the things in you I have taken a liking to, there is but one that I am quite uncertain of – your… gender. I know it shouldn't come in between our love as you have often said but to fulfill my duties as the emperor… you must see that it's not that easy. The advisers are pressuring me to take a wife and produce an heir immediately even if I don't want to. The people in Konan look up to me as a role model and encouragement even if I don't want them to.

_PLAY_

// _The walls start breathing_

_My mind's unweaving_

_Maybe it's best you leave me alone._ //

"You see, I wanted to tell you something."

"What is it, your highness?"

_PAUSE_

Trust me, Nuriko. Trust me when I say that I would always want to be with you. I want to hold your hand like this forever. Wait… hold your hand? Like this? I didn't… oh… I look down and it seems you have taken my hand in yours. Do I really look that troubled to you? Your face appears to be more concerned now.

Over the months that have passed, I have been thinking. You... with me… together we would rule the empire. You would be my queen. It would be fine since everyone still knew you as the beloved Lady Kourin belonging to my harem. But surely after some months, people would discover our little secret. Everyone would know that the emperor of their land married a man out of own free will and actually enjoyed it. We would break the rules of taboo and imagine the shame I would bring upon the country if the people knew their emperor was gay and their queen was a cross-dressing man. If news such as that broke wide out, Konan would be ridiculed and citizens would be maltreated just because of one man's interests.

I know that what I'm saying may sound exaggerated to you. However, I also know that you of all people would recognize and understand the consequences that would befall Konan if you and I continued our love affair.

If I married you, who would be the one to succeed me? I love you, Nuriko. But somethings just can't be.

_PLAY_

// _A weight is lifted_

_On this evening_

_I give the final blow._ //

_PAUSE_

I have decided… that it is best to stop loving you. I do not know how or whether or not it is possible for me to do so. But I feel I must put the good of everyone before anything else. For the sake of Konan, Suzaku help me, I should stop this madness.

Nuriko, I can't even look you in the eye for if I do, tears of guilt and regret would start welling up and fall. You give my hand a gentle squeeze. I continue to hold yours firmly. You don't know how hard it is to think my love for you should end this way. You cannot imagine how hard it stabs me in the chest for saying it out loud.

I believe that all this is for the good, for the betterment of the empire. I will carry on with my responsibilities as this country's ruler without you. I will dedicate my life to protecting Konan and its people and leading them to peace and prosperity. I will make sure not to fail because if one of them falls into misfortune due to my own faults, for me it would fee like losing you all over again – and that is the greatest pain.

I suddenly feel like I do not want to be here. Even though I'm with you but have to hurt you and part with you in the end… it's not worth it. I do not want to cause you any more suffering. I bleed when you bleed.

_PLAY_

// _When darkness turns to light_

_It ends tonight_

_It ends tonight._ //

"I think this should stop. All of it."

"What do you mean?"

_PAUSE_

The look of sadness comes over your features. My eyes are searching for an answer to bring back the happiness that once was and never will be again after tonight. I'm starting to tremble. Why can't I just say it you directly? Everything. What you need to know. What you need to feel coming from me. What can't I say it? The agonizing sensation holds me back. The actual fear of letting you go hinders me.

But then, I must look at it from a different perspective. Once I say it, a problem would be solved… at the price of our broken hearts. Our unspoken love would end here. We would carry on two independent lives, forgetting everything we have shared.

All this is for the best. Please, keep that in mind. By doing this, by bringing myself away from you, it would also silence all thoughts and feelings of wanting to be near you. It would silence my disagreeable interest in another man. We would be clean of each other, and so not one of us would be subject to social condemnation, another thing I wanted to protect you from.

We'd start anew. We'd only be brave celestial warriors to each other, knowing and respecting the opposite only as a guardian of the priestess.

I see tears forming in your eyes. So you do know what I mean, Nuriko, your frown… please… it is difficult for both of us.

_PLAY_

// _A falling star_

_Least I fall alone_

_I can't explain_

_What you can't explain._ //

"I meant exactly what I said. We should end our little affair."

"Little affair? But Hotohori-sama…"

_PAUSE_

I look at you. Your lips start to twitch as the intent sighs of sobbing come. You don't show your real tears often. This must really break your heart.

I begin to recall the times we spent together, all the moments we smiled, hurt, and ultimately loved. Grinning a little wider this time, I cup your cheek. My eyes are filled with forced optimism as I incline you to look into them. This would be the last time I would every hold you like this. But you take my wrist and remove my hand from your face gently. Why? You were just beginning to remind me our special unspoken bliss when suddenly you fell reluctant.

Tell me, did I say something wrong? No, what kind of question is that? Everything I told you tonight was very wrong. All I'm feeling now is how I am constantly torn to shreds as each tear of yours drops. Anything that makes you feel bad is obviously not right. But it can't be helped.

It's sad. I never imagined this time would come so soon. I knew from the very beginning this romance of ours would come to an end due to the inexplicable uncertainties of fate. However, I really did wish with all my being that this little affair of ours would last.

_PLAY_

// _You're finding things_

_That you didn't know_

_I look at you with such disdain._ //

"But what?"

"What little affair? The only relationship we ever had was friendship and we treated each other as equals, as Suzaku celestial warriors, and now you want to end that?"

_PAUSE_

I look at you, my eyes full of perplexity, my mind vexed. What do you mean? Ending our friendship? Never! That was the only thing I was hoping to fall back on after tonight.

Suddenly it dawns on me… I never told you that I love you, have I? You are still unsure of my true feelings for you. You are not aware of our little affair because you do not know that I return your affections.

I close my eyes for a few moments. If I tell you the truth now, it would make it so much harder. The second you realize my love for you is the same second you realize the reason why I called out here - to end and diminish all the loving emotions we have for each other as suppressed as they already are. But I owe it to you to at least explain myself and my statement.

I opened my eyes again and found they were streaming with a few of my own tears. A look of subtle surprise shows on your face and before I knew it, I had pulled you into an embrace.

_PLAY_

// _The walls start breathing_

_My mind's unweaving_

_Maybe it's best you leave me alone._ //

"Nuriko…"

"Hotohori?"

"I love you."

_PAUSE_

I close my eyes again and just hold you tight. I cannot say anything more. I cannot bring myself to speak. You in turn do not ask me to explain myself. Perhaps you already understand why I love you so and why I want it to end. You did tense up a little in my arms when I finally said those three words. They may be useless now but…

_PLAY_

// _A weight is lifted_

_On this evening_

_I give the final blow._ //

_PAUSE_

I can feel you relax in my arms and you fall into the embrace. You slowly wrap your own arms around me and heave a sigh.

_PLAY_

// _When darkness turns to light_

_It ends tonight,_

_It ends tonight._ //

"I'm glad."

"What?"

"I'm so glad."

_PAUSE_

Why? And deeper we go into the embrace.

_PLAY_

"Hearing you say those three words… even if it just was for that one time… hearing the one I love say that… when I thought it would never come true… and knowing that you actually meant every word of it… Hotohori-sama, it is more than I could ever ask for."

// _Just a little insight won't make this right_

_It's too late to fight_

_It ends tonight,_

_It ends tonight._ //

_PAUSE_

I do not know what to say. Before tonight everything was fine. Perhaps I should have just left you alone. Maybe it was better if I did not call you here and confess my love. You didn't know anything before this after all…

But I think you did know. You anticipated this moment. Somewhere along the way I became transparent to you. You thought the same thing I did, that this night would come. So you're ready. Hopefully, your heart not aileth too much.

But even so…

I'm happy… though it does hurt to say goodbye to our romance at the end of all of this, I'm happy that I finally told you that I love you. I'm glad that your pain of unrequited love would end for at least this brief moment.

Later on, we wouldn't have to suffer wondering how it would have been if I confessed my love for you because now we know how it is.

_PLAY_

// _Now I'm on my own side_

_It's better than being on your side_

_It's my fault when you're blind_

_It's better that I see it through your eyes. _//

"I would rather have once, though painful and futile, uttered those three words rather than never."

"Once… rather than never is more than enough. Thank you..."

_PAUSE_

Now I have told you and showed you what I have wanted you to know, what I have wanted you to feel coming from me. I hope I have ended the uncertainty in your heart regarding my true feelings for you.

_PLAY_

// _All these thoughts locked inside_

_Now you're the first to know_ //

_PAUSE_

I pull away slightly from the embrace to take your chin and lift your face closer to mine.

Tonight our two worlds collide and part. Into this kiss I put every last essence of my desires, passion, happiness and sadness, and my whole heart which belongs to you. All of these to dissipate onto your lips.

Warmth fills me, it envelops me. Then, I let you go.

Now I know that the few moments of freedom we had tonight had been well spent.

_PLAY_

// _When darkness turns to light_

_It ends tonight_

_It ends tonight._ //

"Good night, Nuriko."

"…"

_PAUSE_

Love is a funny thing. It can make us complete yet can also leave us completely empty.

_PLAY_

// _Just a little insight won't make this right_

_It's too late to fight_

_It ends tonight,_

_It ends tonight._ //

_STOP_

… EXACTLY …


	2. Those Three Words

**Author's Note:**

Thanks to DPFYLUVR for reviewing.

I do not own Fushigi Yuugi or the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.

This chapter is in Nuriko's point of view.

Characters' thoughts are in between the _PAUSE_ and _PLAY_ words.

Sorry for the slight or drastic OOC-ness.

Some words in this fic have been soaked in major sap.

I wrote this fic at like, 1 or 2 in the morning.

A Hotohori x Nuriko x Tasuki Fic ( Songfic)

EMOtions Productions

Fushigi Yuugi fanfiction

Brought to you by: this website

The last chapter, Tasuki's chap, is coming soon. It's still in the works...

Please read and review at the end. Thank you very much.

Now let's begin.

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**

**Chapter 2: Those Three Words**

// _We'll do it all_

_Everything_

_On our own_ //

"Hotohori-sama, wait."

"…"

_PAUSE_

As you turn back to the palace, I hinder you. You cannot possibly leave. I don't want you to. I want to cling to your robe and embrace you forever. After all this, I'm wishing nothing more but for our little affair to go on.

Oh Hotohori, you're right. I know what you did tonight was for the best. It's just, maybe I'm still not ready; or perhaps I just don't want it to happen. From what I feel, it could be both.

It's amazing how I could feel entire one minute and broken the next.

This is it. Selfishness is sinking in. It's taking over me, my wishes, and my mind. If I knew better, I'd let you leave. But then again, if I… if we want to be happy, we must… we should be together. We could risk it all. Toss aside your royal title, social laws, morality… just to be happy. Who cares for all those other people? What matters is us, right? The only thing that's important is that we live without restraint… Live to prolong those few moments in which we are free.

Then I realize it.

_PLAY_

// _We don't need_

_Anything_

_Or anyone_ //

"What is it, Nuriko?"

"Hotohori-sama, I want to continue… I want to keep loving you."

"But you already know it can't go on. It would be selfish of us to do so."

"We could run away to the countryside or perhaps to another land like Hokan. We could mask ourselves as different individuals and no one will ever know!"

"Run away?"

"Yes, we could tell people here we're going for a trip and never re-"

"Stop it!"

"And we'll go by new names so when the guards go looking for you, they'll never find us and we're more than capable to lead a new life, right? And be-"

"Nuriko, get a hold of yourself!"

_PAUSE_

Why are you gripping my arms so tight? Why are you shaking me so hard? Your eyes… you're furious. So, I take it you don't like my plan. But it's the only possible way. I'm sure you see that, right? To be happy and live normally we have to run away! We have to run away, Hotohori! We have to ru- oh no. I can feel the tears coming. I break free from your grip.

_PLAY_

// _If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you like with me_

_And just forget the world_ //

"Hotohori, it's the only way we could be happy and no one gets hurt anyway."

"No one gets hurt?! If we abandon are duties, the country is missing a leader and no heir to fall back on and two of the Suzaku seishii are gone – how could you tell me that no one will get hurt if that happens? Who will protect the country? Miaka can't possibly do all the responsibilities on her own and if she even tries to do so, she'll hurt herself! The burden is too heavy."

"Miaka again. She's the one, isn't she? You want to get rid of your feelings for me because you want to love her and her alone!"

"No, that's not true and that isn't the point either! Nuriko, only a fool would resort to running away. A true person would face the consequences of his actions. We should stand strong by our decisions and-"

"But my decision is to be with you always!"

"And you will be with me always, just not in the way you hoped for. Remember also that it is our task to protect Konan and its people. That's why we were given these powers and gifts, to serve them."

"But I don't want that. When will it be just about us? When will you only care for me, only me and not anyone or anything else? All the time, you and I protect someone else… we do everything to make others happy. When will our happiness come first?"

"Nuriko, our happiness is the happiness of others."

"No, that wasn't always the case."

"Remember your priorities, your duties. As celestial warriors, we are selfless, willing to give up our lives fighting for a cause, forsaking everything, even our happiness, just to serve."

// _I don't quite know_

_How to say_

_How I feel_ //

_PAUSE_

You got me. As I think about it now, what you said, everything you said was the right and rational side to my anxious and selfish words. You made me understand why we can't be happy when it comes to love. I guess the only trouble now is accepting it. I look away.

It's hard. If you only knew the lonely stirrings inside of me right now. I really want to pull you away, to go to some place new and tell you how much I love you one more time. That way, I hoped you would feel that there needn't be anything to regret about.

Funny isn't it, how all these thoughts get crammed up inside my head but in the real world I can't find any words to form a decent reply to you.

_PLAY_

// _Those three words_

_Are said too much_

_They're not enough_ //

"Hotohori, if this is how things are going to be, then I don't know how I'll be able to live with it."

"You know that we are burdened with the responsibility of prote-"

"Well, I never asked for it. Before all this I only wanted you, and that's how I still want it to be. I love you, Hotohori and now that I know you love me too, things are starting to look up for me-"

"How can you be so selfish, Nuriko?"

"I've loved you for so long, you should be the one who would understand how I feel right now the most!"

"I thought the same thing a while ago."

_PAUSE_

Oh… You bend your head ever so slightly. You avert your gaze from me, perhaps to hide your eyes. You seem hurt as you argue with me here. You were hoping I would understand your decision and why you have decided so. I do actually. It's just that now that I know you love me back, I want to grab the chance of us actually being together as I so often dreamed of.

But as you said, we have to stand firm by our decisions, and you have. Even those three words which I've said a couple of times a while ago weren't swaying your heart like I wished it would. They're not enough and maybe nothing ever will be enough, as long as you have your mind made up.

You start to walk back to the palace again.

_PLAY_

// _If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me and_

_Just forget the world_ //

"Hotohori-sama, please wait."

"…"

"I'm done arguing. Just stay with me for a few more minutes."

_PAUSE_

There, you stop dead in your tracks. Your stern gaze wasn't at me anymore and nothing was binding my arms and my body down on that spot any longer. I approach you from behind and give you an embrace – a tight one at that. You seem rigid within my hold, like this aura of coldness suddenly overcame you. But at the same time you didn't shake me off which was at least something that made me smile in spite of it all.

_PLAY_

"Tell me, if you weren't bound by your duties, titles or other stuff, you'd come with me, right?"

"Of course."

"You would always talk to me, embrace me, kiss me, even though it's forbidden, right?"

"Yes, but you know I can't do that now si-"

"Sshh… Yeah, I know."

// _Forget what we're told_

_Before we get too old_

_Show me a garden that's_

_Bursting into life_ //

Sigh.

"What is it?"

"Oh nothing, just taking in your scent. It's not everyday I get to hold you close like this."

"I guess so…"

"Arguing is useless, isn't it?"

"I'm glad you realized that."

"I'm sorry. It's just… for once I wanted to break free from everything and just pursue my own happiness - our own happy ending. When you said you loved me too… well, I…"

Sigh.

"I guess nothing good lasts forever."

"And we must seize the moment and just live it while it lasts."

// _Let's waste time_

_Chasing cars_

_Around our heads_ //

_PAUSE_

And then, I slip into a brief moment with my dreams.

It's sure our time is limited, yes, nothing good lasts forever, certainly, things would hinder us, and probably we may never be together as anticipated.

All of those facts bring me down.

But one day you'll forsake everything, that moment you'll rush into my arms, kiss me and wish you'd done it sooner. Your times with me would always be filled with pleasure, and contentment; we will run away from it all, just as I had planned.

Of course, all that is a dream. It may be empty, futile, far-fetched and horrendous; but it can also be a hope, wish, fantasy, something to look forward to. But anyway, dreams are the next best thing to reality and a guy like me is free to dream as he wishes.

_PLAY_

// _I need your grace_

_To remind me_

_To find my own_ //

"Didn't you even consider that things wouldn't have turned out so bad even if we did run away, Hotohori?"

"Don't start again."

"Well, have you?"

"Yes. But there are no other people who could carry out the task."

"You don't trust other people to carry out the task."

"If you were in my place, would you?"

"No."

Sigh.

"Nuriko…"

_PAUSE_

You turn around in my arms to face me. You cup my cheeks once more.

_PLAY_

"Things will be fine. Ok?"

_PAUSE_

My head hung low. Words to reassure me. That's typical. But I guess someone has to say things like that at least once in a while, especially when some situations make us hurt so bad. As you look at me, you tell me I shouldn't worry. We'll pull through this. Even though things don't turn out as planned, or rather, as dreamed, it will still be fine. It's hard to swallow. I know you feel the same way. Moving on has never been more difficult.

_PLAY_

// _If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you lie with me and_

_Just forget the world_ //

_PAUSE_

If I lay here… If I just lay here… Would you lie with me and just forget the world?... No… You wouldn't. The world seems more important to you. After all, that's why you ended our romance, right? For the sake of Konan… for the sake of the world.

I know you're vain, Hotohori-sama. But sometimes, you're a tad too selfless.

I smile to myself and look up at your beautiful face.

_PLAY_

// _Forget what we're told_

_Before we get too old_

_Show me a garden _

_That's bursting into life_ //

"I love you, Hotohori."

_PAUSE_

Then it happened. I close my eyes and we kiss again. It was like we were drawn together by a force this time. It was something inevitable, not like the first occasion when you deliberately brought me closer to you.

I enjoyed that kiss. It was deep and warm; it made me feel whole again. I can tell you enjoyed it too.

I suppose this was fate's way of letting us have one last shot before it was too late.

_PLAY_

// _All that I am_

_All that I ever was_

_Is here in your perfect eyes_

_They're all I can see_ //

_PAUSE_

After the kiss, I open my eyes and find no one and nothing else but me being reflected in your glazed eyes, shining in the night. I guess this is the moment when I feel most radiant, like the whole of me was summed up, all the good and bad parts, fused together to make one perfect image. I wish I'd feel like this forever and to manage that, you need to have me as the object of your affection… forever.

_PLAY_

// _I don't know where_

_Confused about how as well_

_Just know that these things_

_Will never change for us at all_ //

"Tears didn't sway you, the kiss didn't sway you, I doubt if this embrace would work either."

"My decision won't change, Nuriko. Somethings really just don't change."

"Like the feeling?"

"Yes, perhaps my love for you would never change. Time will help us forget though. Goodnight, Nuriko."

_PAUSE_

And with that you let go of me, turn around, finally reach the palace and proceed to your chambers. That's that. Those few moments in which we were free, they've been consumed already. I cross my arms and gaze long after you.

_PLAY_

// _If I lay here_

_If I just lay here_

_Would you like with me and_

_Just forget the world_ //

_STOP_

It doesn't matter from what perspective you look at it from, Hotohori. Even though you try to be optimistic about it, it still leaves us with our hearts broken. And sometimes, nothing… nothing can be done to mend that pain.


	3. Unwanted

**Author's Note: **

Dear Readers,

[if there are still any out there

Here is the last installment of my story, Those Few Moments. I'm sorry if it took me forever to update. Just so you know, I have been robbed of inspiration shortly after I finished the last chapter and now, I just got back to finishing the whole story.

I apologize for the OOC-ness, the typos, THE HUGE AND UTTER CHEEZY-NESS/SAP, and grammatical errors here and in the chapters before.

A huge thank you to those who reviewed.

And so we conclude this tale...

* * *

_// Close your eyes_

_And I will be swimming_

_Lullabies fill your room_

_And I will be singing_

_Singing to only you_

_Don't forget I'll hold your head_

_Watch the night sky fading red //_

"…"

_PAUSE_

Nuriko left the table early. He followed right after Hotohori. Could something be going on?

I scratch my head. And here I am walking aimlessly through the corridors pondering on something which isn't my business. Seriously, I shouldn't be involved with whatever is going on between them.

But… it makes me think…

I stop walking. It seems I've reached the exit to the palace gardens. Maybe a bit of air outside would be good.

Huh? Someone's out here already. It's Hotohori… and Nuriko. They look serious about what they're talking about. Damn it. I got to hide somewhere. They can't know I'm here. Otherwise, I'd crash the whole "moment".

I can't really make out what they're saying. If only I had the talent of reading lips. Hiding behind this bush is getting annoying. The branches poking me are making me feel itchy. To hell with that. I continue to watch the two of them.

Nuriko, he's crying. I find my mouth open and my eyes look away. Right then and there I had the urge to just dart forward and grab him, take him away from Hotohori. The emperor didn't deserve such a person. He took Nuriko for granted and that was just… wrong. Nuriko loved him for so long and now, he's breaking his heart.

Damn. That didn't sound right. Am I going all sentimental and… jealous? Strange. I'm not getting any goosebumps.

I guess I've come to live with the fact that I love Nuriko. It's sad really that he never looked at me the same way he's looked at Hotohori. Nuriko and I have been the best of friends. We had laughs, arguments, we had our own "moments" but nothing as sincere as the one happening in front of me.

_PLAY_

_// But as you sleep_

_And no one is listening_

_I will lift you off your feet_

_And keep you from sinking_

_Don't you wake up yet_

'_Cause soon I'll be leaving you_

_But you won't be leaving me //_

_PAUSE_

I felt something fall on my head. I pick it up and see that it's a straw hat. I looked up and saw Chichiri resting on one of the braches of the tree beside me. He whispered a sorry and asked for his hat back. I pulled him down from his little lookout post.

_PLAY_

"What the hell are you doing here!?"

"I thought something was up you know."

"Well you're not supposed to be here!!"

"Neither are you, you know. And why are you so worked up about it?"

"Because!"

_PAUSE_

I could see him raising his eyebrow at me. I pulled him back to the palace corridor and hid behind a thick pillar.

_PLAY_

"So, how much did you see?"

"Not that much, you know. They both probably think that they're cut off from the world right now but I doubt if that's ever going to happen in this palace, you know."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that everyone's watching."

_PAUSE_

I felt something move behind me and the pillar we were hiding behind just gave a grunt.

_PLAY_

"Uhm, Tasuki, why is Nuriko crying? And why is Hotohori holding him like that? And why did they kiss?"

"Chiriko!"

"Ehem."

"Mitsukake! How long have you been there?"

"I, uh, was the pillar you hid behind."

"What!?"

_PAUSE_

I looked to the right and saw an open window with a hint of two pairs of eyeballs peeking out.

_PLAY_

"Uh-oh."

"Looks like we're caught, Tamahome."

"Miaka… Tamahome…"

"Toldya, Tasuki. Everyone's watching, you know."

"Well, the emperor and Nuriko deserve some privacy right now, so if you don't mind…"

"But Tasuki! You never even answered my questions!"

"When you grow up, Chiriko, you'll understand it better."

"But I am grown up already! And I do understand a lot of stuff too!"

"But not this so…"

"Ssssh! They might hear you guys!"

"Just go away already! Damn it!"

"But we want to know what's happening too, you know."

_PAUSE_

I took out my harisen and blew them away. Hopefully they'd stay away from now on. This is ridiculous. I heaved a sigh. I turned around to face Hotohori and Nuriko out on the gardens. I didn't realize that I wasn't hiding anymore. I was blatantly standing there, completely oblivious to the world around me. I got consumed in my thoughts.

Well Nuriko, as I said I just wanted to run out there and grab you, letting you collapse into my arms and let your feelings out. But I guess you wouldn't want to be disturbed. You were with the one you loved most of all and this is the best I can do to make you happy for now.

Then again, were you really happy? I see more and more tears streaming down your face. Perhaps I haven't seen or heard as much as the others but I'm smart enough to tell that you were hurting inside… terribly.

_PLAY_

_// In the car_

_The radio leaves me searching_

_For your star_

_A constellation of frustration_

_Driving hard_

_Singing my thoughts back to me_

_Like watching heartache on TV //_

_PAUSE_

I felt like I wanted to save you. It wasn't pretty being the outside observer, seeing the person you love get hurt. If it was some brute hurting you physically then I could have just stepped in and killed the guy but now it's Hotohori and I think the both of you are finally setting it straight.

I don't know if you've known about my feelings for you. They started over the first few months of us being together. I felt that I was comfortable with you and I was happy everytime you gave me that smile of yours. You were always cheerful. Sure, we both had short tempers with each other but hey, it's all in good fun, right? All our antics and bruises… the time you spent with Hotohori was nothing compared to the time we spent together. Ours was always filled with laughter and… I don't know how to say it but… when we're together the pieces just seem to fit.

So it makes me wonder why you still chose Hotohori even if you were uncertain of his feelings, even if you knew that he would most probably choose his country over you, even if he rarely spent any time with you, and even if he never knew you existed despite serving all those months in his harem.

I tilt my head a little and smile.

I was never really that smart. I was rash and never had that much training on good manners. I wasn't that rich or good looking. I was a bandit before turning seishii for crying out loud. Hotohori was emperor before all this happened and still is. He's got a lot more going on than me and you loved him first. That's a fact I can't erase.

But he's breaking your heart and I bet if you'd just come closer you could hear mine breaking, too.

_PLAY_

_// But as you sleep_

_And no one is listening_

_I will lift you off your feet_

_And keep you from sinking_

_Don't you wake up yet_

'_Cause soon I'll be leaving you_

_But you won't be leaving me //_

_PAUSE_

It makes me angry that I couldn't do anything more than be your best friend. I really wanted to become something more. I wanted to be the one standing there in front of you, kissing you like there was no tomorrow. I wanted to be the one sharing those few moments with you, those few moments of freedom… or so we believed.

But all I can do now is watch you and after all this is done, I'd be there to wipe away your tears and pick up the pieces, try to put them back together but know that after tonight, Nuriko still wouldn't be whole. That piece in your heart is still missing and even if I force myself in that slot, I still wouldn't fit since I belong somewhere else.

So I'd just continue to do what I do best – try to make you smile and forget about the hurt of the real world even if it's just for a few minutes. I'll be here to hold your hand and support you, not as a lover but as a friend who's willing to do everything for your happiness.

You may not know it, but I'm the one who's pushing you upwards to face new heights, the one who takes you away from the miseries below. Hopefully you'll realize that one day and see who you are to me and what I want to become to you.

_PLAY_

_// Don't forget I'll hold your head_

_Watch the night sky fading red //_

_PAUSE_

I heard my friend say that you shouldn't cry for someone who made you cry. I should tell that to you the next time we talk, which would probably be after Hotohori leaves.

I guess it's a tough time for both of you guys, you're both shedding tears now. Whatever's happening between you two must be heavy. It hurts.

I made a promise to myself, Nuriko, that I'd never let you down no matter what. On the battlefield or not, I'll be by your side. I swear I'd protect you.

And as if on cue, Hotohori heads back to the palace.

_PLAY_

"Tasuki…"

"Hotohori."

_PAUSE_

And we pass each other. I go near you, seeing you were still staring after him.

_PLAY_

"Hey."

"Hey Tasuki."

_PAUSE_

You manage a smile, greeting me in the same happy tone you use on everyone.

_PLAY_

"Did you see the whole thing?"

"Well… "

"We better go back in, it's getting cold."

"Nuriko…"

_PAUSE_

I stop you in midstep and just take you in an embrace.

_PLAY_

"You shouldn't cry for someone who made you cry."

_PAUSE_

And at that you weep all over again, this time harder than before knowing that your sobs are muffled by my embrace.

_PLAY_

_// But as you sleep_

_And no one is listening_

_I will lift you off your feet_

_And keep you from sinking_

_Don't you wake up yet_

'_Cause soon I'll be leaving you_

_Soon I'll be leaving you_

_But you won't be leaving me //_

_STOP_

To the gods I prayed that this moment of us being together could last forever. To myself, I wished that I was good enough. To you Nuriko, I hope you'll never feel unwanted.

* * *


End file.
